Song Wars: The Singing Menace (Stressreleasestory)
by Dragonessa Smith
Summary: My first song-fic, it's probably gonna be a series, though i don't know how it'll end. R&R, thanks!
1. That Don't Impress Me Much-Hermione

A/N: Okay, I've been wanting to do a song-fic for a while now, and plus i had a stupid case of writers block, so this is what came out. I've been thinking about making this a series, i already have a bunch of ideas about songs, and i think it would be fun to write about how they preform them. This is basically plotless, but i also have no idea how it will end. Maybe I'll just keep adding songs until FF.net forces me to stop, because the stories too big. Anyway. Remember, this is the result of wanting to do a songfic, writers block, and the fact that i left my CD collection in the car, and my dad took it to L. Tahoe w/my cousins, and i had to take some of my sister's CD's on the D.C. trip. Anyway, hope someone finds this slightly humorus, because otherwise it's just wasting space. LOve, Dragonessa Smith  
  
Disclaimer: Really, if you don't know enough about the Harry Potter books and Shania Twain music to distinguish what's mine and what's theirs, you shouldn't be reading this in the first place.  
  
  
Harry and Ron walked into The Three Broomsticks, barely noticing the sign in the window that proclaimed: Amateur Night every Saturday- 9-Midnight. Hermione had asked them to come. She had also asked the supreme sacrifice from them: For them to sit with Draco.  
  
"Did Hermione tell you why she wanted us to be here?" Draco asked.  
  
"No." Came the answer from Harry. "She just said to make sure we sit at a table in the way front."  
  
"Hey, there's Ginny with the others." Ron pointed out. "Maybe they know."  
  
But the others (which included all of Gryffindor and a lot of other people from Hogwarts) wouldn't answer any of their questions. They would only say "We walked in on her practicing once. We thought she'd gone nuts."  
  
"So she's going to perform." Ron reasoned as they made their way to a table right in front of the stage.  
  
"Herm? Sing? Maybe we should get ear plugs?" Harry suggested nervously. But before he could get up, Madame Rosemerta was already introducing her.  
  
"Our first act tonight is none other than Hermione Granger!" The crowd clapped enthusiastically. "Herm will be singing the song "That Don't Impress Me Much" by Shania Twain." Madame Rosemerta gave the crowd a shrug. "You're guess is as good as mine. He-e-e-e-res Hermione!"  
  
Instantly a twangy guitar beat filled the pub. Hermione walked out, complete with a plaid shirt, cowboy hat, and cowboy boots. She started tapping her foot along to the music, holding the microphone in her right hand. While the guitar music went on, she muttered a few "Yeahs" and sort of got into the rhythm of the music. Suddenly, the others pushed Ron up onto the stage. When he was up there, Hermione started to sing:  
  
  
I've known a few wizards who thought they were pretty smart  
But you've got being right down to an art.  
You think you're a genius-You drive me up the wall  
You're a regular original, a know-it-all  
  
  
With that, she pushed him off the stage. Ron, stunned, fell back, almost missing his chair. The crowd was roaring with laughter as she continued.  
  
  
Oh-oo-oh, you think your special  
Oh-oo-oh, you think your something else.  
  
Okay, so you're a chess master.  
That don't impress me much.  
So you got the brain but have you got the touch  
Don't get me wrong, yeah, I think you're all right  
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night.  
That don't impress me much.  
  
  
Draco, who had been sitting there feeling sorry for poor Ron, found himself being pulled onto the stage by the guys now. Hermione started singing again.  
  
  
I never knew a guy who carried a mirror in his pocket  
And a comb up his sleeve-just in case  
And all that extra hold gel in your hair oughtta lock it  
'Cause Heaven forbid it should fall out of place.  
  
  
He exited the stage in the same manor as Ron, but Draco did miss his seat. Hermione didn't notice, as she was reveling in the cheers from the crowd.  
  
  
Oh-oo-oh, you think your special  
Oh-oo-oh, you think your something else.  
  
Okay, so your Gilderoy Lockhart  
That don't impress me much  
So you got the looks but have you got the touch  
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're all right  
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night  
That don't impress me much  
  
  
Harry, sensing he was next, tried to break for the door, but was stopped by several people in the crowd who wanted to see the rest of the show. He was passed along over the crowd until he was on the stage.  
  
  
You're one of those guys who likes to shine his machine  
You make me take of my shoes before you let me get on  
I can't believe you kiss your broom goodnight  
C'mon baby tell me-you must be joking right?  
  
  
Harry was accidentally pushed so hard he fell onto the table. No one was watching though, because Hermione was singing again  
  
  
Oh-oo-oh, you think your special  
Oh-oo-oh, you think your something else.  
  
Okay, so you've got a Firebolt  
That don't impress me much  
So you got the moves but have you got the touch  
Don't get me wrong, yeah, I think you're alright  
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night  
  
That don't impress me much  
You think you're cool but have you got the touch  
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright  
But that won't keep me warm on the long, cold, lonely night  
That don't impress me much  
  
  
The guitarist went off into a big riff, and Hermione started talking.  
  
  
Okay, so what do you think you're Elvis or something...  
  
  
The guitarist nodded vigorously and grinned. Hermione actually put up her hand and rolled her eyes.  
  
  
Whatever  
That don't impress me  
  
  
As she finished, the crowd burst into applause. Harry, Ron, and Draco slunk out the door, as everyone pointed and laughed at them.  
  
"Anyone want to challenge Hermione?" Madame Rosemerta called into the crowd. "Anyone-" The noise from the pub stopped when the door slammed shut.  
  
"We have to get her back for that." Ron said darkly.  
  
"But how?" Draco said.  
  
"Listen, I think I have an idea. But we'll need a lot of cooperation, okay? No fighting, right Ron? Right Draco?" Harry said. They nodded grudgingly. The three huddled in the darkness as Harry explained his plan.  
  
Back inside, Harry searched for a familiar set of high heels.  
  
"Madame Rosemerta?" He asked, tugging on her sleeve. "We have a request to make." 


	2. The Way I Am-Draco

A/N: Okay, I think I am the first, so i would like to make this claim now: This is the original story that compares Draco/Eminem. If it isn't, please email me and tell me about the story, and I'll change this authors note to say the second. :C) Okay, part two of song wars. i'm surprised at how short it takes to write these chapters. and fun. Wow, another short A/N?!? Creepy!!! LOL, Love, Dragonessa Smith  
  
  
  
"Attention, attention everybody!" Hermione looked up from the napkin she had been signing for a little girl as Mdm. Rosemerta started talking into the mike again.  
  
"We have a challenger!" She cried. Everyone cheered.   
  
"Wonder who it is?" Dean said.  
  
"Without further ado, herrrreeesssss- Draco!"  
  
Hermione, who had started to take a drink of butterbeer, suddenly spat it out all over Parvati and Lavender. They didn't even notice, because at that moment, Draco appeared on stage.  
  
She almost laughed when she realized who he was supposed to be. His white-blond hair had been shoved under a white visor worn backwards. He was wearing a white tank top and baggy grey sweat pants.  
  
"You have got to be kidding me." She said. "Draco as Eminem?"  
  
All talk ceased as the music started, and he began to talk.  
  
Whatever  
Ron just let it run  
Ay yo turn the beat up a little bit  
Ay yo, this song is for anyone  
Fuck it just shut up and listen  
  
The whole room was silent as Draco began to rap.  
  
I must admit, he plays the part well, Hermione thought.  
  
Ay yo  
I sit back with this pack of zigzags  
And this bag of this weed  
It gives me the shit needed to be  
The most meanest emcee on this - on this earth   
Cause since birth I've been cursed with this curse to just cursed  
  
He squatted down, holding the microphone close to his mouth. The entire audience leaned forward.  
  
And just blurt this bezerk and bizarre shit that works  
And it sells and it helps in its self   
To relieve all this tension dispensing me  
Sentence is getting it, stress has been eating me recently  
All through this chest and I rest to get peacefully  
  
He jumped up suddenly, making everyone draw back again.  
  
But at least have the decency in you to leave me alone   
When you freaks see me out in the streets when I'm eating or feeding' my daughter   
To not come and speak to me  
I don't know you and no I don't owe you a mother fucking thing   
I'm not Mr. NSYNC and I'm not what your friends think  
I'm not Mr. Friendly  
  
"He doesn't even know who NSYNC is." Hermione started to say to Ginny, but she just held up a finger and said "Shhh." While staring up at Draco.  
  
I can be a prick, if you tip me my tank is on empty  
No patience is in me and if you offend me I'm lifting you ten feet  
In the air, I don't care who was there and who saw me just jaw you  
Go call you a lawyer file you a lawsuit  
I'll smile in the courtroom and buy you a wardrobe  
I'm tired of arguing - I don't mean to mean but it's all I can be  
It's just me  
  
How can he just stand there and captivate the whole audience like that? Hermione wondered.  
  
And I am  
Whatever you say I am  
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?  
In the papers, the news, everyday I am  
Radio won't even play my jam  
  
Cause I am   
Whatever you say I am  
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?  
In the papers, the news, everyday I am  
I don't know it's just the way I am  
  
"The song sort of fits him, doesn't it?" Harry whispered to Ron as they watched from the wings.  
  
Sometimes I just feel like my father, I hate to be bothered  
  
"Yes, indeed." Ron said, chuckling slightly.  
  
With all of this nonsense it's constant   
And "oh it's just lyrical content!"The song "Guilty Conscience" has gotten such rotten responses  
And all of this controversy circles me   
And it seems like the media immediately points a finger at me  
So I point one back at 'em   
But not the index or the pinky or the ring or the thumb  
It's the one you put up when you don't give a fuck  
When you won't just put up with the bull shit they pull  
Cause they full of shit too  
When a dude's getting bullied and shoots up your school  
And they blame it on Marilyn - and the heroin  
Where were the parents at?  
  
"Where were his parents at? Crack 'R' Us?" Parvati whispered. Lavander cracked up.  
  
"Shhh!" Dean and Seamus said at the same time.  
  
And look at where it's at middle America  
Now it's a tragedy  
Now it's so sad to see  
An upper class city having this happening  
Then attack Eminem cause I rap this way  
But I'm glad cause they feed me the fuel   
That I need for the fire to burn and it's burnin' and I have returned  
  
"So he's glad that they're mean to him, because it inspires him to be meaner?" Neville asked.   
  
"Shhh..." Hermione found herself doing. "This is my favorite part."  
  
And I am  
Whatever you say I am  
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?  
In the papers, the news, everyday I am  
Radio won't even play my jam  
  
Cause I am   
Whatever you say I am  
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?  
In the papers, the news, everyday I am  
I don't know it's just the way I am  
  
I'm so sick and tired of being admired  
That I wish that I would just die or get fired  
  
  
"He's not the only one." Ernie muttered. Justin almost laughed, but a glare from Hannah stopped him.  
  
And drop from my label and stop with the fables  
I'm not gonna be able to top what my name is  
And pigeon holdin' to some poppy sensations   
They cop me rotation at Rock 'N' Roll stations  
And I just do not have the patience  
To deal with this cocky Caucasians  
Who think I'm some wigga who just tries to be black  
Cause I talk with an accent and grab on my balls   
  
"His what?!?" Mdm. Rosemerta exclaimed.  
  
"Shhh!" Everyone responded.  
  
So they always keep asking the same fucking questions  
What school did I go to?  
What hood I grew up in?   
The why? The who, what?   
When and where and the how?  
Till I'm grabbing my hair and I'm tearing it out  
You've been driving me crazy, I can't take it  
I'm racing, I'm pacing, I stand and I sit  
And I'm thankful for every fan that I get  
But I can't take a shit in the bathroom   
Without someone standing by it  
  
"Not exactly Mandy Moore, is he?" Cho said. Before anyone could say anything, she said "I know, I know, shhh."  
  
No I won't sign your autograph  
You can call me an asshole   
I'm glad cause  
  
And I am  
Whatever you say I am  
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?  
In the papers, the news, everyday I am  
Radio won't even play my jam  
  
Cause I am   
Whatever you say I amIf I wasn't, then why would I say I am?  
In the papers, the news, everyday I am  
I don't know it's just the way I am  
  
As the music ended, everyone burst into applause.  
  
"Well," A flustered Mdm. Rosemerta took the microphone from a blushing Draco. "I think it's safe to say that was one of the more...interesting performances we've seen. And Draco, dear?" She said, looking offstage where he was standing. "If you ever say any of those words in here again, I'll kick your sweet patootie right out onto the street."  
  
Everyone laughed again.  
  
"Well," She continued, unaware of how her next comment would affect almost all the people in the audience. "I'd think it's safe to say the guys came out victorious here."  
  
The audience exploded.  
  
"NO WAY!" Hermione yelled. "Everyone laughed more at my performance!"  
  
"But guys and girls liked mine!" Draco yelled back.  
  
"Guys liked hers!" Ginny shouted.  
  
"The only guys who didn't like it was you three!" Lavender said.  
  
"Dean didn't like it, did you Dean? Dean?" Ron said, glancing at Dean. He looked away, scrathing the back of his head and whisteling. "You traitor!"  
  
"Hey, hey, HEY!" Mdm. Rosemerta shouted into the mike. "You guys want to settle this, right?" A rumble of approval. "Well, why don't you do what you've already done, and have a sing off?"  
  
"Fine. We will." Hermione turned to Ron, Harry, and Draco. The boys silently drifted behind them. The girls drifted behind Hermione. "Ron, on behalf of the other girls of Hogwarts, we challenge you to a sing-off. Do you except?"  
  
"On behalf of the boys, we accept."   
  
They shook hands.  
  
"I have a bad feeling about this..." Neville said. 


	3. Independant Women-Cho, Hermione, Ginny, ...

Independent Women  
  
  
  
"So what should we do now?" Hermione asked the girls. They were holding a conference in the library, since the guys had set up their head-quarters in the Gryffindor Common Room.   
  
"We should do something to show the guys that we don't need them." Cho offered.  
  
From the back of the room, a voice shouted back "We don't?"  
  
"We also need something that'll blow them away, something that'll be impossible to follow." Hannah Abbott added.  
  
"I think I have the perfect song." Hermione smiled.  
  
  
"Alright! Let's get this party started." Lee Jordan announced. He was acting as announcer for the sing-off. "Here's the rules: Girls go first. There's no time limit, dress code, or singer limit. After the girls, the guys will go. After both teams have gone, the audience will vote for who they think should win. At the end of an undetermined period of time, we will add up the number of times each team won, then there will be one final competition, possibly on the last day of school. With that said, let's go! Girls, you're up!"  
  
A spotlight shined on the stage, but there was no one there. Suddenly, three girls rose from below the stage as three more appeared from behind the curtain.  
  
The song started with a few seconds of music, then they started singing.  
  
Lucy Liu...   
  
A spotlight shined on the first girl, revealing Cho. She was wearing a yellow one shoulder top and low rise jeans splattered with dots of yellow paint.  
  
with my girl, Drew...   
  
The spotlight switched to Ginny, standing next to Cho. She was wearing a green tube top and cut-off shorts, with green paint.   
  
Cameron D.   
  
Spotlight on Hermione. She was wearing a blue halter top and a short jean skirt, with blue splatters .  
  
and Destiny  
  
The three girls who came from behind the curtain were illuminated for a few seconds, long enough to identifiy them as Parvati, Lavender, and Padma.  
  
Charlie's Angels, Come on  
  
Uh uh uh  
  
Question: Tell me what you think about meI buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings  
  
They all held out their hands, palms down, to show off rings with huge diamonds on them.  
  
"Cubic zarconias, I'll bet." Ron muttered.  
  
  
Only ring your cell-y when I'm feelin lonely  
  
When it's all over please get up and leave  
  
Question: Tell me how you feel about this  
  
Try to control me boy you get dismissed  
  
Pay my own fun, oh and I pay my own bills  
  
Always 50/50 in relationships  
  
"Yeah, she only calls 50 percent of the time." Dean snickered to Seamus.  
  
The shoes on my feet  
  
I've bought it  
  
They all stuck out a high-heeled foot, covered in rhinestones.  
  
"Of course, who else would buy those shoes?" Ron laughed. Harry didn't notice, he was staring at Cho.  
  
The clothes I'm wearing  
  
I've bought it  
  
The rock I'm rockin'  
  
'Cause I depend on me  
  
If I wanted the watch you're wearin'  
  
They all held out their arms again, showing off Rolex after Rolex after Rolex.  
  
I'll buy it  
  
The house I live in  
  
I've bought it  
  
The car I'm driving  
  
I've bought it  
  
I depend on me  
  
(I depend on me)  
  
All the women who are independent  
  
Throw your hands up at me  
  
All the girls in the audience did. All the boys sat with their arms stubbornly crossed across their chests.  
  
All the honeys who makin' money  
  
Throw your hands up at meAll the mommas who profit dollas  
  
Throw your hands up at me  
  
All the ladies who truly feel me  
  
Throw your hands up at me  
  
Cho, Ginny, and Hermione began punching and kicking at each other, but never actaully connecting.  
  
Girl I didn't know you could get down like that  
  
Charlie, how your Angels get down like that  
  
Girl I didn't know you could get down like that  
  
Charlie, how your Angels get down like that  
  
A figure, dressed in dark pants, dark shirt, and a dark sports jacket, walked on stage, obviously supposed to be...  
  
"Charlie!" Ron yelped. "I thought you were in Romania still!"  
  
"I got off early. After all, how could I turn down them?" He gestured at the girls, who were waving at him and blowing kisses.  
  
"Traitor." Ron muttered.  
  
Tell me how you feel about this  
  
Who would I want if I would wanna live  
  
I worked hard and sacrificed to get what I get  
  
Ladies, it ain't easy bein' independent  
  
Question: How'd you like this knowledge that I brought  
  
Braggin' on that cash that he gave you is to front  
  
If you're gonna brag make sure it's your money you flaunt  
  
Depend on noone else to give you what you want  
  
The shoes on my feet  
  
I've bought it  
  
The clothes I'm wearing  
  
I've bought it  
  
The rock I'm rockin'  
  
'Cause I depend on me  
  
If I wanted the watch you're wearin'  
  
I'll buy it  
  
The house I live in  
  
I've bought it  
  
The car I'm driving  
  
I've bought it  
  
I depend on me  
  
(I depend on me)  
  
"Who does she depend on for flying help?" Harry called out.  
  
"Or chess help?" Ron added.  
  
"Who do you two depend on for help on everything else?" Hannah shouted at them. "I thought so." She smiled at their stunned faces.  
  
  
All the women who are independent  
  
Throw your hands up at me  
  
All the honeys who makin' money  
  
Throw your hands up at me  
  
All the mommas who profit dollas  
  
Throw your hands up at me  
  
All the ladies who truly feel me  
  
Throw your hands up at me  
  
"Hey, Ron, Harry!" Dean hissed. "Fred and George got these from Zonkos. On the count of three..."  
  
Now instead of mock-fighting, the girls were break-dancing, while Lavander, Parvati, and Padma sang.  
  
Girl I didn't know you could get down like that  
  
Charlie, how your Angels get down like that  
  
Girl I didn't know you could get down like that  
  
Charlie, how your Angels get down like that  
  
Charlie just shrugged. Padma, Lavander, and Parvati stepped up now.  
  
Destiny's Child  
  
Wassup?  
  
You in the house?  
  
Sure 'nuff  
  
We'll break these people off Angel style  
  
"Woah, they're good." Mdme. Rosemerta commented to McGonagall, who had showed up along with most of the other Hogwarts teachers to watch.   
  
"Yeah, I heard they're going to go into music like the Weird Sisters after Hogwarts."   
  
Child of Destiny  
  
Independent beauty  
  
No one else takes care of me  
  
Charlie's Angels  
  
Woah  
  
All the women who are independent  
  
Throw your hands up at me  
  
All the honeys who makin' money  
  
Throw your hands up at meAll the mommas who profit dollas  
  
Throw your hands up at me  
  
All the ladies who truly feel me  
  
Throw your hands up at me  
  
  
"One, two...THREE!"   
  
A barrage of plastic hands, courtesy of the guys, descended upon the girls.  
  
"HEY!" They shouted.  
  
"Foul!" Padma cried.  
  
"Ron!" Charlie shouted, getting slapped by a hand.  
  
"Our turn!" Fred and George cried.  
  
"What are you guys gonna sing? Some stupid Weird Al song?" Cho asked sarcastically.  
  
"You'll see." George said mysteriously. 


	4. Crazy-Fred, George

Crazy  
  
  
"Alright!" Lee announced, "Next up, for the boy's side, Fred and George, singing...Crazy."   
  
"Fit's them." Hermione snickered.  
  
"I'd like to dedicate this performance to my girlfriend Angelina Johnson!" Fred announced as he and George took the stage. All the girls sighed. George discreetly pretended to barf behind Fred.  
  
See   
  
Baby I apologize   
  
For all the things   
  
That I've done, that I've done   
  
"I'd like to see them apologize to us." Snape said. The other teachers murmured agreement.  
  
See I know that I've been a fool   
  
For far too long   
  
Baby you don't have to   
  
Go and run away   
  
Just come back to papa   
  
Please baby, baby won't you stay   
  
If you really love me   
  
Then why are you leavin' me?   
  
Several girls gave Angelina dirty looks.   
  
"I didn't actually dump him, you know." Angelina insisted.  
  
I can't think   
  
Think about this crazy day   
  
I lose sleep   
  
Just to daydream about you baby   
  
I'm goin' crazy, crazy, crazy   
  
Just thinkin' about you lately   
  
I'm goin' crazy, crazy, crazy   
  
Just thinkin' about you baby   
  
I'm goin' crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy   
  
Thinkin' about you lately   
  
"I think Angelina's made Fred crazy." Seamus joked.  
  
"I think they were crazy before her." Harry added.  
  
"Amen to that." All the other Weasley's said.  
  
I'm goin' crazy, crazy And I can't touch you   
  
Crazy, crazy   
  
And I can't hold you   
  
Crazy, crazy   
  
And I can't see you again   
  
"He see's her every day!" Dennis said. "Even if they did break up, how could they not see each other?"  
  
"We're not breaking up though." Angelina insisted.  
  
Said I'm goin' crazy   
  
Baby, baby, baby, baby   
  
Said I'm goin' crazy   
  
I finally realize   
  
That you are my true love   
  
And I had a lot of time to think   
  
And you're all I seem   
  
To keep think, to keep thinkin' of, yeah   
  
"Can you say, 'whipped?'" Katie asked Alicia. They burst into giggles.  
  
And now I know I need ya   
  
Each and every day   
  
I can't live without ya   
  
So don't run away   
  
Baby you said that you love me   
  
So why are you leavin' me?   
  
Why, why, why, why?   
  
If I can't see you, I can't see you   
  
If I can't see you, if I can't see you   
  
If I can't see you, if I can't see you again   
  
Then I would go   
  
If I can't see you, I'd go crazy   
  
The room burst into applause, even from the girls. Angelina ran on stage and kissed one of the twins.  
  
"See? We're not broken up!" She insisted to the audience.  
  
"Um, Angelina?" George said, turning pink. "Fred's over there."  
  
  
A/N: New question time! Which of these stories would you read, just based on the title:  
  
Fighting Fate  
Blood and Water  
Baggage  
  
And another one! Which of these stories would you rather read, just based on the description:  
  
A Cyber-Mystery thriller starring Ginny with cameos by the rest of the Weasleys  
A Romance starring George, Lee, and Hermione, with cameos by Fred  
A Flashback starring Bill and Charlie, with cameos by Percy and Cedric 


End file.
